It is with great dismay that I come to you with this announcement, every silver lining is surrounded by a whopping great cloud of pain, suffering and bleak bleak sadness. Yes, you guessed it, the hell that is Black Friday is fast approaching.
It is with your best interests and safety in mind that I write this blog. If you must venture into the raging abode of the forever damned, also known as the shopping centre, then I urge you to follow these steps for your own safety and well being. Please note, this is simply a guide, I cannot guarantee your wellbeing if you choose to visit the nether regions of TopShop.
Now, it would be totally naive of me to assume that you could ever be fully prepared for what awaits you on this dreaded day. However, being aware of what’s to come can only help. You need to know your route, know the stores you want to hit and where your nearest exits are, in case it all gets a little too much. Don’t worry, its totally normal and happens to everybody. My advice would be print out a floor plan, map your trip and if possible, avoid any food court areas. Those not-so-savvy shoppers will be lining up around the block to get their grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with soy milk and extra cream. Don’t waste precious time darting between them. Get in, get out, nobody gets hurt.
2. It’s not me, it’s you
You can never be fully prepared for the lengths other shoppers will go to, and without wrapping your self in cotton wool and bouncing through the stores, a few cuts and bruises are inevitable. Bargain shoppers are a new breed of human. It is unknown what causes this mutation, all we know is they are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. Like I said, get in and get out as fast possible. The shoppers will not hesitate to push, claw and snatch any item they see reduced, even if it’s in your basket. There is nothing you can do at this point. Simply avoid eye contact and keep a tight grip on whatever you pick up. Nothing is safe until you are through the check out.
3. There’s Safety in Numbers
Whether it’s somebody to bat away the frenzy of shoppers, or somebody to carry your purchases, a Black Friday shared is a Black Friday halved.. kind of. What I’m trying to say is, it’s nice to know somebody has got your back. Recruit a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, parent or even hire somebody to follow you around for the day; I’m not here to judge!
4. Designate a Leader
If you’re heading out as a group, which I do recommend for safety purposes, you will need a leader. This leader must be tough, they must be strong willed and they must be prepared to lead the pack through Forever 21. This is not a democracy anymore, Black Friday is not up for debate. If you are the chosen leader, you will have a great deal of responsibility. You need to be prepared, your friends will not make smart choices and they will not think before picking pointless things up and throwing them into the communal basket. It is your job to remind them that they do not need that £200 electric tooth brush simply because it is reduced from £275. It’s your job to remind them that behind every credit card is a family.
5. Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
It’s the become the norm these days to go shopping in our best attire, whether this is to avoid being judged like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman or simply because we’re a nation of posers. Either way, on Black Friday, it’s really not a case of ‘the higher the heal the better the deal’. So put on your comfiest kicks, steel toes are optional. It never hurts to be prepared. If you want to be really ahead of the crowd, I recommend taking a small light-weight bag, A.K.A survival kit, and fill it with all the tools you will need to get you through Perdition. I recommend taking a caffeinated beverage because Starbucks is not part of the plan (sorry Starbucks, you are still our no.1). High protein snacks or cereal bars, Valium and maybe a couple Xanax.
6. Take Pleasure in Interneting
We are lucky enough to live in a world full of computers, technology and Deliveroo drivers. The need to leave the house is becoming less and less each day, so why on earth would you want to go out into the raging inferno that is the shopping centre this Friday, when there is a much, much safer option? So, to save your self the stress, injuries and exhausting day of batting away crazed middle aged women named Susan, who swear they were holding that exact size 5 Kurt Geiger boot before you, stay at home. Put the kettle on, get in your comfiest pyjamas and have a leisurely browse through the sales via your laptop. The majority of shops have even more stock on their websites, you might even bag your self a few little online exclusives. Here at Silver Mushroom we take pleasure in our interneting. To commemorate the computer, we’re putting a mind blowing sale on. Click here to be sure you don’t miss out!
Happy shopping, may all your Fridays be black.